how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
