Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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