If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
