god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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