you traded sex for a burrito?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
