we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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