fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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