Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
