Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
