When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
