so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
