Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
