He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
