pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was born a porn star she said
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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