im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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