He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
