Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
After last night, I could never be a politician.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
