I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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