cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
