i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
