my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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