We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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