I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
