I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
