I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
