I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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