I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
