Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
