You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
