the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
