I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
