Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
