Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
