I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
