Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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