I just made out with a guy for $7.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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