i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
