last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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