i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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