Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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