he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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