I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
