Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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