Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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