***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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