I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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