Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
did i walk over a car last night?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
