I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This is the high leading the old right now
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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