that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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