Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
