I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
