I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
