Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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